11 Lessons From Grief: “Love With Nowhere To Go”

Making Sense Of Grief, One Of Life’s Senseless Yet Inevitable Certainties.

I began writing these lessons on grief in an attempt to observe, understand and make sense of such a dark and painful experience. We’ve all experienced some varying degrees of loss in our lifetimes. Even in my worst nightmares, I never knew the gravity of sadness I would experience when my heart and soul, my Nana, would become diagnosed with Stage 4 Pancreatic Cancer.

These are the lessons I have learned thus far in my life when it comes to grief. My Nana’s diagnosis and passing would help me see clearly many of these truths. However, it took looking at my life experiences with loss as a whole to form many of these conclusions. You see, you don’t always recognize grief when it’s coming at you in small doses. It’s not until you’re hit full force when you can recognize just how many times you’ve already encountered it over the years.

And then there was darkness.

Jim Johnston

1. Grief Comes In Waves.

They say grief comes in waves, but what they don’t warn you about is that those waves can hit you and pull you under like undercurrent. These waves of undercurrent make it hard to breathe. And in those moments you question your own ability to even survive them. And it hurts. It physically hurts, and yet it doesn’t, and that’s in part what makes it hurt even more.

2. Grief Feels Dark.

Grief is suffocatingly heavy and thick. Grief is dark and unrelenting. Grief is laughing with loved ones and feeling the sound of laughter coming from your body, but not quite recognizing it as your own. Because how could so much joy and happiness possibly exist in the same world as grief?

3. Grief Is The Elephant In The Room.

Grief makes you forget how to smile on some days. And grief makes you feel guilty for smiling on some of the others. Grief is the elephant in the room. And you never know how big it’s going to be from one day, one moment to the next.

4. Grief Is Confusing & Unfathomable.

Grief is different for everyone. Which makes it even more confusing and difficult to understand. And basically, the only thing that is capable of understanding is that you will never truly be able to wrap your mind around it’s complexities and unpredictability. The feeling of grief, the true depth of despair that it brings, cannot be conveyed by words alone. Nor can your imagination ever possibly entirely fathom it, until you experience it firsthand.

And even then? It still doesn’t seem real. Those nightmares that wake you up in the middle of the night, with tears in your eyes? That’s only an inkling of true full blown grief.

5. Grief Is Inevitable.

The inescapable truth of it all is, you’ll have many run ins with grief throughout life. Lost friends, lost family members, lost pets, romantic relationships will fall apart and leave you gasping for air so to speak. But a number of those will just be mini grief encounters. A splash but not engulfing.  In time you’ll learn to distinguish between the splash and the engulfment.

6. Grief Is Unrelenting.

Grief will leave you gasping for air, but then you’ll realize you don’t want to breathe anyways. Grief will make you hate people for no reason! No reason at all, other than they exist in this life- and the person you’re grieving for no longer does.

Grief will convince you it’s not fair. Grief will make it hard to sleep on some days and hard to stop sleeping on others. And despite your being awake, you’ll still feel as though you’re living a dream- but not in the good way. More like one of those lucid dreams you wish you could wake from, but you can’t seem to possess the mental ability to snap out of.

7. Grief Is Unpredictable.

Grief will cause you to go numb on some days. It will fill you with rage on others. And then there will be some days where you are blissfully unaware that you are not in the clear yet, because you’ll feel so normal and like your happy carefree self again. But in the beginning, it’s never that simple and it’s never that easy. 

8. Grief Makes You Remember.

There will be moments where harsh and devastating realizations hit you of nowhere. Regrets might haunt you, things you could have done different. Opportunities passed upon because you didn’t know at the time that there wouldn’t be a next time. Or you’ll recall the last time you did something with them and instead of regret you’ll cherish it- while at the same time cursing that you didn’t value it back then in it’s full entirety.

9. Grief Is The Storm.

However, there’s always a rainbow after the storm. You just have to remember where to look. It’s important to remember in these moments that we’re human. You weren’t meant to do anything different than what you did in those moments.

We can’t change the past, only the present, which is what shapes our future. And it gets better. It gets better they say. And truly, I guess in a way, it certainly does. Because you learn to live with it. You learn to accept your new reality. You find your fire again and you remember that life is worth living. Even with your loved one no longer in it. It’s all meant to be, and it always works out. As long as your heart is still beating, breath still breathing, mind still working and soul still feeling- there has to be a reason.

10. Grief Teaches You.

Because they are still in your life. They’re a part of you. You’ll hear their voice and words intermixed within your own. You’ll have dreams you’ll wish you never woke from because they’ll be there vividly speaking with, touching you. Some days everything will remind you of them. And the best thing you can do is simply embrace and be thankful for these days. Because you have so many reasons to reflect on how significantly they truly impacted your life, and who you are today. And just remember it’s all okay, because this is part of living.

11. In Grief, There’s Beauty To Be Found.

It doesn’t make sense and it hurts like freaking hell. But grief is one of life’s more tragic and deeper facets. Life is full of intricate and never failing beauty, and grief is a part of it. To feel all these feelings and experience all these bigger picture truths is one of humanity’s greatest powers and abilities. All you can do is use all that angst, all that emotion, all that energy- and channel it into something good. Don’t let the loss create more loss, but instead turn that loss into an even greater gain. It’s up to you and it’s in your power, if only you’re willing to open your eyes fully and see. 

Live A Life In Honor Of Their Memory.

Of course, it will take time. Grief comes in 5 stages but they are not linear, and they are highly complex. But when you finally find the strength to do so, I encourage you to make the choice to live a life worth living. Choosing to follow your highest calling and path in life- is the best way to bring honor to their memory.

I poured my heart and soul into creating my guided e-journal, Create Your Own Sunshine, to serve as a guide for those wanting to find their light again. Many of the habits I share in the e-book are things that helped me pick myself back up, in a time when all I could see and feel was darkness.

I’m excited to share that 20% of all proceeds from the Create Your Own Sunshine E-Book will go to the National Pancreatic Cancer Foundation, or a charity of your own choosing. So check it out in the Nanala Cove Shop, and be sure to sign up for the newsletter so you’re able to get the most savings!

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What lessons have you learned from Grief? How did you grow stronger from it? And in what ways did you positively change your life? Comment your experiences below <3